Is anyone else hearing a rumor that The Red X might be opening a store on the Plaza? Possibly in the old Saks 5th Avenue building? This would be the coolest, most ironical thing ever. For the ignorant, the Red X is a beautiful kind of emporium only possible in Missouri. It’s a grocery store, liquor store, tobacconist, and hardware store all in one. It also has the largest wine selection in the city, and a huge array random collectibles like bells and thimbles. I can’t imagine how something so trailer would fit in with the Plaza’s tanorexics and metrosexuals, but I’d sure love to see the results.

A primer on local slang. Apologies in advance to the easily-offended…

Missouri or Kansas? - OK this is the first and most confusing one. A Missouri town named “Kansas” was here first, named after the Kanza Indians. The state named “Kansas” came later, thus the confusion. The main city and most of the suburbs are in Missouri. There is a KC in Kansas, usually referred to as KCK instead of KCMO. Something like 60-65% of the population is on the Missouri side.

Kan City - Most people just say three of the four syllables. Drop the “ass” from the end of Kansas.

Himayihelpyou! - The famous greeting at Gates, the Soup Nazis of the BBQ world. If you are a Gates virgin, be sure to study their menu beforehand, so you can order like a native.

North Kansas City and Kansas City, North - The second most confusing… “Kansas City, North” refers to the part of KCMO that is north of the Missouri River, but not the separate town of North Kansas City. NKC (also called Northtown) is a separate, small suburb that is completely surrounded by KC.

The Northland - a broader term for the entire northern half of the region, including the northern half of KC and the suburbs in Clay and Platte Counties. Northlanders call it God’s Country, southlanders call it “the next Johnson County,” and Johnson Countians wouldn’t know it existed except for airport.

Lee’s Scummit, Bull Shit, Indy, and Rat Town - The eastern suburbs of Lee’s Summit, Blue Springs, Independence, and Raytown.

JO - Jack Off, Johnson County, KS, the Golden Ghetto.

The Dotte - Wyandotte County (a.k.a Kansas City, Kansas), an interesting mix of ghettos, barrios, trailer parks, and NASCAR.

Waldeaux - A more pretentious spelling of the funky Waldo neighborhood.

Mission Hillbillies - inhabitants of Mission Hills, KC’s version of Beverly Hills.

Happy Rock - The northern suburb of Gladstone.

Ghetto Depot - Home Depot at Linwood and Main.

CrackCo - CostCo next to the Ghetto Depot.

Ghetto-Mart - Wal-Mart on Bannister Road. It’s in a blue-collar cracker area, but on the bus lines from the ‘hood.

El Choppo - The Price Chopper grocery store in Roeland Park, KS. Though it’s in the suburbs it’s just across the border from the Latino neighborhoods in KCK.

Mexi-Mart - The Wal-Mart next to El Choppo.

KU Star - Otherwise known as the Kansas City Star.

Queer-vira - A funner pronunciation of Johnson County’s Quivira Road.

Bonus points for knowing the reference in the title of this post

Budwesier now offers email… mail.mybudweiser.com How about suck@TastesLikeAss.com?

Wil is a great storyteller wo can identify with geeks, bloggers, misfits, child actors, and more. Much of it comes from Wil’s blog, as well as stories from the sets of Stand By Me, Star Trek, and others.

Has the American Taliban finally jumped the shark? If the cover of Time magazine is any indication, then it might have. It was a good indicator for Mikhail Gorbachev and Allie McBeal. Now we have the scrawny yet sexy Antichrist, Ann Coulter. Props to new local blog Tevis.net for a great parody.

David Sirota has more hard evidence that the invasion and occupation of Iraq was pre-planned well before the whole WMD search charade. Even back in 2002 they were pulling troops off the hunt for Osama bin Laden and preparing them to invade Iraq.

Sir Vinegar sums up my thoughts exactly on the loss of Jennifer Garner’s crush-worthiness. A little Affleck taint could be overlooked as misguided career and dating choices, but not the taint of marriage and impregnation. Farewall, Agent Bristow.

Finally crawled out of hiding (briefly) last weekend to check out the Brookside Art Fair. It’s a really great fair with lots of art priced for the mortals.

• Dana Forrester - Cool watercolors of muscle cars and various buildings around the KC area.
• Kevin Sink - KC cityscapes and nature photography from around the Midwest.
• Barry Hendrickson - Amazing black and white photogrphy of Ireland.
• Damian Valesquez - Modern furniture that I actually like. Whoa.
• Audrey Heller - Very cool and funny photography feature small action figures posed in life-sized settings.

Doesn’t everyone know that the black handle is regular coffee and the orange handle is decaf? I thought this was universal knowledge, but there are so many people in the work crapateria that just stand at the caffeine dispenser dumbfounded. I knew about it long before I waited tables, worked in fast food, or even drank coffee. Maybe I was raised around too many coffee shops and truck stops?